What are my habits in moments of desperation?

  February 28, 2026

What are my habits in moments of desperation?

One year ago today at 1:13 am my Tracy, your friend, Mom, sister, aunt took her last breath and crossed over from this imperfect world filled with sickness, pain and death to paradise.  A new world without those things.  A life of perfection, beauty and peace.  It’s hard to imagine that she can be at peace having left us all behind.  She would always say that it’s much harder to be the one left than the one leaving.  But we cannot comprehend what she is experiencing nor can we know or understand if she knows what’s happening here.  I’ve told friends that if she is indeed aware of me…of us…of which I have often wondered…she has to have a serious Jesus-filter in order not to have our grief drive her to despair.  

Many have asked me what I would do on this day.  It’s not too elaborate.  A friend had me over for dinner last night.  Two friends invited me for breakfast.  My children will speak with me on FaceTime tonight and two friends will take me out for a beer.  And then I’ll watch an old Humphrey Bogart or Cary Grant movie.  That was our Saturday night routine.  All-in-all, I just want to get past this day.  I want to get past “the year of firsts.”  

I have done what Tracy would have wanted me.  I have engaged my grief.  I speak openly about her…about my pain and loss.  I attended a 13 week Griefshare group with some dear old ladies who frequently overshared.  I didn’t know if I could take it after 3 weeks or so but they grew on me and I found them able confidants.  I have read and am still reading books on grief and suffering.  I will quote them and list them at the end of this blog. And I have not been afraid to cry with others.  In the last couple of months when I have gotten past spontaneous tears, others fill in for me.  I was sharing at a C12 Forum which I was leading and I looked over and a woman, whom I barely knew, was welling up with tears.  Thank you.  Thank you to everyone who has cried with me and for me.  It’s not over.

And that’s the most significant factor of grief.  It’s never over.  We are never through.  Tracy impacted us in eternal ways.  Let me tell you what Edith Shaeffer said in her book Affliction: In reflecting on Isaiah 50:10,11

Who among you fears the Lord

    and obeys the word of his servant?

Let the one who walks in the dark,

    who has no light,

trust in the name of the Lord

    and rely on their God.

But now, all you who light fires

    and provide yourselves with flaming torches,

go, walk in the light of your fires

    and of the torches you have set ablaze.

This is what you shall receive from my hand:

    You will lie down in torment.

“Here we are in the ‘darkness,’ a place where we have no light on our path, no idea what to do next, brought up short by a huge disappointment, an illness, a cancellation of some sort, a death, or a whole series of things which have come upon us like a cloud or a fog settling around us.”  She is quoting this passage that was spoken to the Israelites who had a habit of ignoring the prophets and seeking outside human help.  She goes on to say, The command is to stay, to wait, to not move until He(God) leads us through all the fog, cloud, and darkness.”

If we try to get through it too quickly or ignore the pain all together, we invite the consequences of leaving our Lord and our God who, despite the pain, fear and agony, loves us more than we can imagine.  

Tracy was a champion of ‘pre-grieving.’  I think she made that up.  But she wanted to be prepared to endure the inevitable trials and tribulations that come with the heartache that is guaranteed here on this earth.  

Lastly, I want to tell you of the new habits I have developed over this past year.  I struggled greatly over our lost ‘oneness.’  Am I half?  Am I now incomplete without her?  What I felt was revealed to me is that I am to practice in my flesh that still remains, her temperament and gifts.  So, if I could sum up Tracy in three words(I know, not possible) they would be: Graciousness, Gratitude and Gentleness.  If I can practice these attributes, I will continue to embody the oneness that we had for almost 34 years.  

Secondly, I can hear Tracy saying to me to keep up with the basics:  Sleeping, eating well and exercise.  Third, I approach the throne of God each morning reading His word, praying for many of you and seeking His will.  Fourth, I try to practice the presence of God in my life by “praying without ceasing.”  I utter short prayers as I go into meetings, walk into buildings and plan my day, thus I believe I am bringing the kingdom of God wherever I go.  Fifth, I end the day on my knees praying through a Psalm a day.  I started this because I wanted to end my day in prayer, but I had no words.  The Psalms gave me those words.  And lastly, the attribute that Tracy last exhibited on this earth was Gratitude.  I lay on my bed and I thank God for each event, occurrence and person that day brought to me.  

Immediately after Tracy’s cancer diagnoses she said, “If my death can bring about the salvation of those I love, then so be it.”  My thinking has been that her miraculous healing would have accomplished more but…surprise, surprise, I’m not God.  So, with that being said, is she living through me, through us, to accomplish God’s will in a way that was not possible if she had remained.  Inconceivable?!?!  But God can do it.  

Thank you for your prayers.  Please don’t stop.  I’m making a lot of mistakes along the way.  I want so much to honor Tracy and my Lord.  That is my ultimate goal with the minutes, hours, days or years I have left.

God Bless,

Allen

Recommended Books:

Affliction by Edith Schaeffer

The Gospel According to Job by Mike Mason

In the Hands of a Fiercely Tender God by Colleen Chao