Would God Do This For Me?

 

Would God Do This For Me?

In the summer of 2025 I returned to Richmond following the death of Tracy, the love of my life.  I was on track to join C12, a Christian peer advisory group but was struggling with deep grief and confusion about my future.  A young man whom I had met through a previous ministry asked me to perform his wedding in Fort Myers, Florida in August.  I accepted the engagement as a nice distraction and an excuse to visit some family in Tampa.  I booked my airplane flight which had me arriving late morning the day before the wedding.

Twenty four hours before I was to leave, I received a text telling me that my flights had been cancelled and that I would now be traveling for twelve hours instead of three.  And going to Tampa via New Jersey.  Of course, my immediate reaction was to cuss and complain about the complete loss of a day.  

And then I had a revelation.  Could I dedicate this day to dialoguing with God?*  A practice Tracy and I had developed where we write God and we envision Him writing us back.  Could I actually use these ‘wasted’ hours to hear from God in a way that the normal course of the day doesn’t allow?  So, I invite you into my journal.  Below I will transcribe this conversation I had with God.  

We’re going to jump into the middle of our conversation where I sensed God saying to me that He desires my unconditional love.  i.e. “Either I am the God you know me to be or I’m not.  There’s no in-between.”

Me: It all just feels impossible.  You’re asking me to take a leap and I can’t see where I’m supposed to go.  How high to jump?  When to jump?  Was I supposed to move to Richmond?  Join C12?  Were any of these Your ideas?  Or have I concocted them as well?  

God: I’m not asking you to do anything I haven’t asked of others.  Trust and love are at the center of our relationship.  You know something of that having loved Tracy so well.  Now imagine yourself in Tracy’s place and I am your caregiver.  Like Tracy when she was so ill, you are unable to ask for what is is good for you.  I will give you good anyway.  You are trying to be Generous, Gracious and Gentle (Inspiration from Tracy) and I love that, but you forget and resort to your ‘normal self.’ You did not give up on Tracy and I will not give up on you.

Me: Wow? That’s a good picture.  I am an invalid in your care.  Thank your for affirmation.  Without Tracy, I receive so little these days.  I want so badly to be a different person and recent events showed me that I have changed very little.  Thank you the other day for the inspiration to neither be a victim or to seek vindication.  It’s very freeing.  Challenging for me, who thinks he sees correctly in every situation.  

God: I like the picture someone gave you the other day, “I am not a Pez Dispenser.”  I know you know that but you often seek instant gratification.  I gave you Tracy when you didn’t not deserve her.  What a picture of my grace!  Yes, she redeemed you as you have said…or better yet, I redeemed you through her.  You were good for each other.  Some day you will know the full story of her life and redemption.  You are and have been taking good steps towards resting in me.  I’m sorry I cannot instantly remove the pain, heartache and grief.  I have good plans for those as well.

Me: You’re right.  I don’t want to rush this process.  Oddly, my grief keeps me connected to Tracy.  Oh, I don’t want to lose that.  But the loneliness!  It’s so bad.  Are these like Much Afraid’s companions in Hinds Feet On High Places, Sorrow and Suffering?  

God: Very perceptive Allen.  Yes, I do not remove you from this world.  And for you these “thorns” are for you to bear so that you can experience my sufficient grace.  Sound familiar?  You see I am working with you and loving you no differently than I have with all my children.  Others have different battles and to differing degrees.  The intensity of the thorns really depends conversely with the intensity of our relationship.  For instance, right now I know you are experiencing some degree of peace hearing me speak to you.  That can be yours in increasing measure.  

Me: Ironically, in this airplane, we are in a holding pattern due to air traffic control.  Floating above the earth, away from harm and temptation.  (An extra bonus was that I got a first class seat due to my status with Delta airlines.)  But I wonder if you sometimes allow for a “dark night of the soul” where your presence is not so readily available.

God: In the past I have given you the word “enough.” Let it be today’s word as well.  Like so many others you want to pin me down or duplicate an experience.  Will you trust my love for you to know that I will give you what you need…enough?  

Me: So, when I feel you are absent I need to make myself aware that you are always there in some form or fashion.  For without Your guiding hand, none of these airplanes could do what they are designed to do.  By the way, thank you for the flight changes to day which have enable us to have this conversation.

God.  Would you believe me if I told you that I rearranged the lives of thousands of people in order to be alone with you?

What?  How arrogant!  Who do you think you are to think you are that special?  Yes, I thought about that, but I also considered that God could do this, not just for me, but for everyone.  If God is….God…why not?  Isn’t this the God who has loved us with an everlasting love as stated in Jeremiah?  Is it really beyond the scope of reality to imagine an All powerful and All knowing God who lives outside of time and space to interact with each of us.  

I heard a country song the other day that had a refrain something like this: “When I’m with you I take the clock down off the wall.”  And Harry Chapin wrote years ago, “I let time go lightly when I’m with you.”  If you’ve been in love you know what this is about.  A desire for time to stop and to remain in the ever-present moment.  

Well, I believe God can do that.  And God wants us to set aside time each day to listen, read His Word, and consider that He has prepared work for us to do which will not only bring Him glory but satisfaction to us.  

*Dialoguing with God = A conversation with The Almighty in which I envision Him responding to my questions and comments.  The responses are based upon my knowledge of the Bible and my experience with Him over the course of my life.