Rising from the Ashes

  

Rising from the ashes

Day 52 since Tracy made the journey from this earthly realm to what many call paradise.  Not the new heaven and new earth that are promised at the end of time but a place of perfection, of peace, of total healing and joy.  I want to share what I think is a  balance perspective on what it means to lose my life partner.  I still have so many questions but I want to let you know what I think I know.

In this perspective there is good and bad.  Positive and negative.  Pain and heartache along with relief and joy.  

• Let me first tell you that the loneliness is overwhelming.  I think this has something to do with the spiritual union that we shared.  We had become one flesh and that was ripped away.  And this seeps into what my future may look like.  
• It’s hard to imagine doing traditional ministry, i.e. pastoring.  We did this together.  She was my confidant, friend and counselor.  How could I possibly enter a ministry without her by my side?  
• Thirdly, I have had a tendency to romanticize our marriage.  I became aware of this when I read our letters pre-marriage and notes that we had kept over the years.  We had some rough times that should not be forgotten lest I pretend that we had achieved perfection.  As one pastor’s wife told Tracy years ago in a rather indelicate way, “Allen is a piece of work.”  
• Lastly, as I begin to live my new life I am dealing with three things: 
1. Restarting all by myself after building a life together for 34 years feels empty and overwhelming.  Everyday I miss the chance to talk things over with her and hear her counsel.  
2. I want to keep appropriate boundaries on my grief.  Not everyone needs to bear the brunt of my weeping and sadness.  And that leads to the third - 
3. Finding those that can identify with and console me.  

So, these are the difficulties and the sadness that lies ahead, but there are also things that are a cause for joy:

• Tracy is in the best place.  Somehow she is not missing us.  She is at perfect peace.  She has no pain and no sorrow.  
• She went first.  I have tried to imagine how she would have handled all the ‘stuff’ of finances, moving, etc. that I have primarily taken care of over the years.  I know she would have figured it out, but it comes more naturally to me.
• We had almost 34 years of a very good marriage.  I can celebrate that.  Of course, I wanted more but I can revel in what we had.
• I have three beautiful children and a grandchild.
• I have no regrets from our marriage.  We had a good personal and ministry life together.  
• We grew in our faith together.  We faced everything that came at us with Jesus at the center.  
• I know, without a doubt, that she is with Jesus now and I will see her again.  
• Her death is not a waste.  I will have a unique perspective on what it means to lose a spouse relatively early, therefore I hope I will be able to commiserate and comfort those in pain.  

This is where I am 7 weeks in.  Grief assaults me at every turn.  It’s tortures me and yet it also links me with Tracy.  What will that look like in another 7 weeks?  

Practical details:  I have moved to Richmond, VA where I hope to find work/ministry and I have already been absorbed and assimilated into my church community as well as by various friends around the city.  I’m even going on a mission trip to Moldova in July.  I know God is good and sovereign.  This I proclaim and hold onto for dear life.   

Random thought in case you want to keep reading: 1977 vintage Rod Stewart - Weird how things pop into your head. Maybe we can sing this at the Michigan get-together.

You're in my heart

I didn't know what day it was
When you walked into the room
I said hello unnoticed
You said goodbye too soon

You're in my heart, you're in my soul
You'll be my breath should I grow old
You are my lover, you're my best friend
You're in my soul

My love for you is immeasurable
My respect for you immense
You're ageless, timeless, lace and fineness
You're beauty and elegance

You're a rhapsody, a comedy
You're a symphony and a play
You're every love song ever written
But honey, what do you see in me?

You're in my heart, you're in my soul
You'll be my breath should I grow old
You are my lover, you're my best friend
You're in my soul

You're an essay in glamor
Please pardon the grammar
But you're every schoolboy's dream
You're Celtic, United, but baby, I've decided
You're the best team I've ever seen

And there have been many affairs
Many times I've thought to leave
But I bite my lip and turn around
'Cause you're the warmest thing I've ever found

You're in my heart, you're in my soul
You'll be my breath should I grow old
You are my lover, you're my best friend
You're in my soul