Why I am still married
Why I’m Still Married
Disclaimer: The article you are about to read describes the ideals to which Tracy and I have aspired. We have been wildly successful in many areas, miserable failures in others and overall struggling to become like Christ to each other and an example to others. Please dialogue with me if you would like. We have tried to be transparent in an effort to help others and in order to grow ourselves. We are in the mid-life stage where we know a little bit more than some and not near as much as others who have weathered/enjoyed 25, 50 or more years of marriage. My main thesis is this: A man and a woman centered in Christ who are willing to submit themselves one to another will be successful in this adventure called marriage.
About Tracy
I married the right woman. I only know she’s the right woman because I made a vow to her almost 22 years ago that I would be faithful. I.e. She’s the right woman because I made a commitment to be the right man for her. Other woman have come along that I am attracted to but the option doesn’t exist because I chose her as THE ONE for me, therefore all my energies are poured into making this relationship a success.
She’s extremely tolerant of my idiosyncrasies. I’m not perfect. Ha! That’s an understatement. But when we were first married, we imagined each other in ways that were unrealistic. Despite the naiveté that we carried into wedded bliss, she learned to put up with things that aren’t necessarily sinful or wrong...just me.
She’s a saint. Meaning that she has accepted Christ as her savior and therefore sees me through that lens of mercy and forgiveness. She’s has watched me sin grievously, forgiven me and encouraged me to grow in the gifts God has given me. In areas in which I stubbornly hold on to, she waits patiently until “I get it” and thanks God privately for the change that she and God have finally wrought.
About Us
As a couple we are devoted to Christ first. Two people can never fully meet the needs of each other. God planned marriage to be anchored by Him so that when “the two become one” they do not tear each other apart by having Him as mediator, mutual consoler and expert in marriage
We have learned to forgive. Without forgiveness, the very essence of what the gospel is about, any marriage is destined for failure. We have indeed hurt each other in word, thought and deed. The power of Christ’s death and resurrection has made it possible to see the other as He sees them....pure, unstained, without blemish. And the blessing of forgiveness is often translated to the marriage bed. Translation: Making up is a lot of fun!
We have individual devotions daily. Who are we if we are not grounded in the Word of God? His word drives us to our knees. It develops a dependence upon Him for our very existence and unites us with a common cause: to glorify God.
We pray together every night. These prayers are rarely eloquent or even very long. I will admit, that at times, I am so weary, disgusted with myself or angry at God, that I cannot pray. But that’s the blessing of the two becoming one....she prays and God hears. Prayer is a vulnerable exercise of exposing souls. And why would she or I want to expose our bodies to the other, i.e. enjoy sexual pleasure, without first exposing the spirits that are unified in Christ?
We’ve begun reading together daily. Tracy said the other day, “We should be reading Scripture together daily. It’s crazy that we’re going through this time and not uniting in this way.” So, at my suggestion we have begun reading “Center Church” by Timothy Keller. Apropos since I am anticipating going back into the pastoral ministry and as my partner, she should be seeking the Lord on what it means to be a pastor’s wife...again.
We do not discuss difficulties in our marriage with others unless approved. Tracy has certain friends that she discuss ‘me’ with. She needs to let loose on someone and I approve of her choices and feel safe. We try to never engage in spouse bashing, i.e. locker room talk about our wives. This falls under the vow that we are to protect our spouse.
We make decisions together...very seldom have I had to make a decision which she disagreed with. Because we have done all the above, decisions have been relatively easy. I can imagine that if a marriage was not centered on Christ, there was no mutual respect or mutual submission and prayer wasn’t important, then decisions would be gut-wrenching.
We relinquish control of certain areas of lives to each other: laundry, dishes, garage...Somehow, over the years, we have fallen into certain patterns where each of us takes over particular areas of the house. We share things like child-rearing and care of the dog, but other household chores have been chosen seemingly by default. Therefore, I have to admit that I cannot control everything that happens, so I graciously allow my wife certain freedoms as she does me.
About Allen
I have learned the 3 most important words “I am wrong”. It sounds kind of funny, but as a man, I seem to have this disease that prevents me from wanting to say it. Maybe it’s the testosterone. I don’t say it if it isn’t true, just to keep the peace. And sometimes, it takes me a couple of days to figure out the truth. It has been extremely important to Tracy to see that I know I am fallible. She already knew.
I am a work in progress. The benefit of going through a broken engagement at the age of 25 enabled me to realize that I did not have it all together. Yes, I did think that I was a pretty good catch at the time. Reality came crashing in and our marriage has benefitted. I have much to be grateful for to my former fiancee.
I have trained my eyes and mind to focus on one woman. It’s amazing how casual we men are about looking a other women. It’s an accepted vice to engage in lust and occasional ogling. I work hard to resist the temptation to take that second look. The first look is unavoidable, but the second is well under our control and usually involves the mind playing a what-if scenario. I also do not view pornography. Viewing touched up photographs of other women merely objectifies the female gender and depletes my sexual bank account, so-to-speak. If I use up my savings in this manner, it’s no wonder I would have no desire left for my very real and untouched-up wife. That last statement sounded rather crass, but when we live in imaginary land, reality is unpalatable. But when we live in reality, real people can meet our needs in the way we were designed. Beauty is based on biblical ideals and desire for my wife actually grows the more I resist temptation and lift her up as the ‘wife of my youth’. Therefore, I can say without a doubt and without comparison that my wife is indeed beautiful.
I sacrifice daily by keeping my mouth shut about things that don’t matter. Oh boy...that’s a big challenge. So many times I need to just nod and smile. Comments are not always needed. I don’t always need to be right and the world will not spin off its axis if I don’t put my two cents in.
I am careful in conversations with other women. It is possible to fall in love with someone else even while married. Don’t play with fire. Enjoy friendships with women, but be aware of the level to which you are going. The apostle Paul said, “flee sexual immorality.” Sometimes you just need to walk away with no explanation.
If she thinks something is important, serious or needs to change....I view it as important, serious and needs to change....of course not without argument. Her views on things are not always mine. But as my wife, I owe her the respect that she deserves. If she thinks I am spending too much time watching TV then I am. If I am drinking too much, according to her, I am. If I am inviting her mother over for dinner too many times....Ha! Just checking to see if you’re reading.
Things that I still need to work on:
1) I have been a poor dater in our marriage. We really need to do better in developing a date night strategy. Especially now that 2/3 of our children are out of the house. We no longer have an excuse.
2) Being more patient when I ask her a question and the answer doesn’t come in a linear fashion.....Sometimes it drives me crazy to hear her explanation of something that would take me two sentences. But so what? Why do I need her to be like me. Someone once said that if the two of you were exactly the same then one of you is unnecessary.
Lastly, God obviously has a sense of humor. Putting a man and a woman together in this thing called marriage is only a calling for those not faint of heart. We need courage and compassion. We need love and respect. We need long-suffering and loyalty.
For those men who are reading this, I believe we are called to be warriors who have to daily rescue our damsels in distress. It’s not often glamorous or seeming to require great deeds of valor, but in the day in age, when marriage is suffering, just to go home every night and to love and respect your wife is a valiant deed.
As a Red Green fan I would be remiss to leave out "The Man’s Prayer” said at the end of each Red Green Show.
Red Green prayer: “I’m a man and I can change if I have to...I guess.”
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